I'm Here (The Color Purple cont...)

I think I ramble too much, so I am going to try and make these shorter...

So now I'm at Fancy Pants Prep School, we'll call it FPPS from now on. It was the place that shaped me into the person I am today in many ways. 6th grade wasn't the easiest... I still wasn't the best student ever, but I was friendly with everyone and while not the popular kid, I had friends. My parents actually threw a party for the entire class when I started there... we had it in the park in my neighborhood and it was a big success... although some kids got picked on and I got in trouble with the school because they saw it as a "school function" since everyone was invited. Whatever.

I was looking at girls by this time, a lot. I asked one girl at the public school to be my girlfriend, Jane C-, and she said no to me, on Halloween. I cried. Totally cried. What the hell did I know? Kids in my class were calling some girls "finger warmers" but I didn't know what that meant. I was discovering porn, which, I'm not ashamed to say, I love. First it was a Penthouse Letters my dad had hidden in his drawer. I figured out that with Publishers Clearing House I could send away for subscriptions to Playboy and they would send like the first 5 months before they stopped sending because of no payment.. .my folks never knew 'cause I was always home first, and seriously, if Publishers Clearing House decided to really get worked up over it, what were they going to do, I was like 12.

Nothing much more to report 7th and 8th grade. I had a crush on the 7th grade science teacher.. Brian D. He was just so handsome, and he coached hockey and swimming... that's probably where I really got turned on by chest hair.. he wasn't huge.. in fact, I bet I was taller than him, but he was just the cool teacher everyone liked... I liked. :) Remembering him now, I think the teacher from that new show Glee looks like him.

I did summer camp in Canada, actually its name was Adanac, Canada spelled backwards. Can't say I was thrilled with it either... very clicky... not like 6th and 7th grade girl clicky, but clicky... all boys... they'd have "Privy Parties" and not invite me. No big sex stories there either. I guess I was a late bloomer.

In 8th grade I started work at a summer camp, councellor for 1st graders.. and pretty much had that job for 6 years... 1st graders, then Kindergardeners... it was great... this is where I'm getting to a good part though.

I totally fell in love with one of my head councellors.. adn this was the first time I really was like.. wow.. I like guys. I'm here, I'm queeer... but I never thought I'd get used to it.

His name was Todd. He was a fucking man. He had just finished being a student teacher... he was beatiful, muscles everywhere and he always wanted to work on his tan. I actually think we should have won the award for worst camp councelors EVER because if we didn't haev something scheduled, we'd go to the play ground, and that was it... he'd take his shirt off and work on his tan... he's do pullups on the swings... he'd talk about the date he had last night with whoever it was he was going out with and how she'd cum a certain way and her boobs... I was smitten. I honestly am sure that Todd is the reason I like a certain PBL - preferred beauty look. Tall, handsome, tan... a perfect chest, with chest hair, of course. A smile that melted ice at 40 feet. I probably worked with him my sophomore year. I was still "dating" girls, although my early girl relationships were minimal at best... my first kiss was in 8th grade with Betsy Q- hug out with a few others, but actually started to have some of my best friends become girls during this time. Made out a few times with a senior when I was a freshman, we were in teh same play together, of course. Went to a prom with someone and ended up making out with a different girl at the afterparty. That was it though. Honestly, no naked fun.. I'm not sure if I wasn't interested, or shy.. or if I was waiting for Todd. Whatever the case, my dating life was minimal in highschool.

Thank goodness for Porn. I started downloading pictures of men... to me... and this is exactly what I told myself when I was doing it, but honestly, I believe it was true... to me I was just fascinated with a man... I wasn't downloading hard cocks and hardcore sex pics... it was about the chests and the muscles... I believe it was around sophomore year when my dad found the pictures on the computer and mentioned it to me... I blamed my best friend, still my best friend, Kristi... that I was getting them for her 'cause she didn't have the internet. That was the last my dad mentioned it.. and I just got better at hiding the photos. You'll hear about Kristi more later.. she's the black bi-sexual I lost my virginity to on my trampoline. I just LOVE saying that.. it rolls off the tongue, don't you think?

Anyway.. I'll go for now.. leave you with this last shot of the teacher from Glee... turns out his name is Matthew Morrison and he's really kind of perfect.... was in South Pacific, so he's got that going for him... see how good I'm getting at this whole blogging thing. I know, I know.. another LONG post, I'm getting there, and I feel I stayed on topic a bit better this time.

The Color Purple

I WANT TO BE A BLACK WOMAN SO BADLY!

I'm just saying, but still... I totally want to be a black woman, or frankly a man... mainly because they have the best songs.

Last night my partner and I went and saw The Color Purple up in Providence. It was great! He didn't even fall asleep and it was like 3 hours long... very unusual for him. I have a subscription to the Broadway tour series, so about once a month we go see whatever show has roled into town. On the drive home, I decided to entertain D- with a colection of black women singing in Broadway shows... Ragtime, Dreamgirls, Violet, Big River... plus Free At Last, where a black man sings, but still.. it's a good song... ending with When A Big Black Woman Stops The Show from Fame Becomes Me. I was pretty proud of myself pulling out one song after another.

D- is a good sport... although he doesn't care about showtunes the way I do. I'm working on him though.. we listen to Broadway XM Radio all the time and usually throw out an arbitrary amount of money for him to guess which show the song is from... if he doesn't get it I give him a clue, but the prize money goes down... He's gotten very good at it. I probably owe him about 1 million dollars by now... which again, just demonstrates how proud I am of him.

In case you haven't noticed yet, I am going to try to title each of my posts after a showtune.. I mean, this blog IS about me being gay.. not sure you can get any gayer than that. It will be much like the titles of the Desperate Housewives episodes... not sure you know this but each episode (almost) is named after a song written by Stephen Soundheim. Of course, my plan already is not really true because the last title I put Kiss Today Goodbye, but the actual title of the song is What I Did For Love... which actually, is a good title for this blog... and one I'll use again.

What DID I do for love? Well.. when last we left your fearless caped crusader (superheroes are so hot) I was being molested by my cousins... HA. sorry.. that is SO wrong.

I was somewhat an awkward kid.... my suburban family made sure I signed up for everything. From 1st-3rd grade I went to the public school (little Israel, remember?) but in 4th grade my mom decided it was time for me to go to catholic school. It was just worst experience of my entire life... honestly. I hated everyone there.... if you didn't start in kindergarden there, then you weren't accepted.. you weren't a part of it.... the kids were mean, and I'll admit I probably wasn't the nicest to some of the kids either... the teachers (a few) were very not nice... my parents got called into 5th grade once because I was in the "red group," the smart kids group, and I wasn't doing well... and the teacher asked what we wanted to do and I decided to work harder and stay in the group... but like 2 days later Sr. Mary Cunt of the Earth yelled at me, in the middle of class, saying that she was ashamed for me that my parents had to come in and beg for me to stay in the smart group when I should have probably just gone back a year.

Worst Experience Ever. I still, to this day, replay in my mind that moment and what I should have done.. I SHOULD have just walked out of the classroom, down to my homeroom, got my coat out of the closet as the class was still going on, and walked home... all done with loud banging of the lockers and doors, my head held high, ignoring people asking me what I was doing... I should have just left... such drama for a 5th grader. A clue I was gay.

I didn't of course.. I slunk back into my desk as the kids snickered at me.

5th grade was interesting on other levels too... going to my 10th birthday at the local skating rink my mother wrapped our car around a telephone pole and we all went to the hospital... the parents of my guests just dropping them off at the rink and my brother, mom and I not showing up... mom had a punctured lung, a few broken ribs... our trip to Disney World that winter was cancelled. The next week I wore the same blue sweater (Cyrilian Blue I believe, thank you Devil Wears Prada) to school and apparently it still had blood stains on it. The teacher asked me to change.

5th grade was also the FIRST time I asked a girl on a date, and also, vaguely I remember my first crush on a boy, although the feeling wasn't very strong. I believe his name was Pat. That's really all I remember other than we were kind of friends and I thought I'd liked him more than that. The girl was Kirsten... she didn't like me... at United Skates of America she said to me "fine, you can do one lap around the rink with me but you can't hold my hand." I found out later that she got pregnant not once but twice in highschool... tramp.

After 5th grade I was all set with Catholic School... the natural progression in my family was to go to the private boy's prep school at high school, but I couldn't wait.... so I enrolled in 6th grade there...

I think I'm going to continue this later.. but trying to stick to the theme of this blog... definitely my early years had a huge affect on me being gay, even if I didn't know it at the time. I wonder if that's what happens to everyone, or how "special" it was for me. The frustration with the catholic thing never entered my mind... other than that I hated the school... but there's not "priest stories" or really abusive nuns... no choirboy fantasies... but I think this early interaction with people my own age made me not like to be around people my own age very much... I've only dated guys older than me.. and actually only dated women older than me with one exception. I was seperate from my age group because I was ... what? more mature? or just bored with what I already figured out?

I find it interesting as well that I just remembered that crush on Pat. Why haven't I thought about that more in my life? Why do I just play over and over again being yelled at in front my the entire class? I hope I have some answers as I progress in this blog. We'll see.

Up next, Private Boys School and me growing in confidence. If you were hoping for just porn and sex, you've probably already skipped this post and will probably want to skip the next few, but I think I'll make some interesting observations. We'll see.

I'm working at the moment actually.. I run private events for a museum intown... weddings, corporate dinners... they rent the space and bring in a caterer... tonight is our club's opening night party... so I don't really need to be there for the whole thing.. just to put up the tables and clean up after. I had a very cute guy start working for me tonight too.. he's taller than I am, which at 6'5 is impressive.. so I'm here to nurture and teach... HA.. and ooogle him as he mops the floors.

I definitely will get back to the Color Purple soon though, which is why I think this is a good cut off point... part two to continue until hopefully I come full circle and make it poingient and thought provoking. I'll leave you with this link... which is actually sticking to my pattern of songs I'm listeing to at this moment.. there's nothing playing in my office, but this song has been playing in my head all day. Listen to the words.. and then maybe the catholic school, notice little things theme of this post will make sense. This is a medley of the show, but it's the last song... take a grain of love to make a mighty tree, even the softest voice can make a harmony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF3p2FLArhY&feature=related

Kiss Today Goodbye, or "When Your Cousins Practice Sex On You - part 2"

OK.. so I'm back.

And I notice I say "OK" and "SO" a lot.

But I got distracted, figured I'd take a break... but want to finish my story and try not to go on too many tangents. I know you all on on the edge of your seat... well.. just you Oz, since you're the only one I've given this link to. HA!

where was I?

So in my family there was me and a younger brother. My mom's family was at the very least an hour drive away and I never knew them very well... my dad's side really was he and his brother. Uncle Jim is the man I hope to be some day... he was just calm, level headed... he was a great guy who unfortunately died from smoking a carton of cigarettes a day for the last 5 years of his life. I miss him daily.

Uncle Jim had a awesome wife... my Aunt (Ant) M-, and they had 3 kids.. two older girls and a son named Jamie who is 6 years older than I am... so while I didn't really grow up with him, he was in all respects an older sibling to me... they all were. I idolized them, and I would see them often... growing up, they were who I played with. Jamie's cousin on his mom's side was Chris, who lived down the street from me, so honestly, I did see them all the time.

We had a park in the neighborhood where I lived... ok.. here I go again, but to describe my home.... as I said before, I pretty much lived in "Little Israel." It was a very "new" neighborhood... new model houses... built in the early 80's, before that, the late 60's... but it was a very NEW city, compared to the city I live in now in New England where you can actually live in a house built in the late 1600's. My city - we'll just call it LI instead of using the first initial dash thing (B-, OH) was new, but my home, and the homes in our collective community were closer to 100 years old. It was a weird oasis... there was a prominent family in Ohio in the late 1800's who owned a LOT of farm land... they had an incredible house on this land, and had a small street where they built a house for the family doctor - Dr. Hanger, who lived 3 doors down from me until his death in the late 80's.. and they built my house for one of their daughter's weddings in the 1920, taking an existing 1890s farmhouse and adding on to it. It is a beautiful house... one BIG L shaped home that is very beautiful and has an acre and a half of land and gardens, and is on this community street... in the middle of this street is a park that had a pavilion and every Thursday in the summer all the houses would meet up and have a big bar-b-que... Memorial day we'd have a parade... whatever the theme was what the costume was... many houses, including ours, would make awesome floats with our riding lawn mowers and wagons...

I had to just go back and see where I was going with this, since face it.. I was going off topic. LONG story short (HA.. you'll probably hear that from me often) is that the park made my child hood a magical and very enjoyable time. I mention it because that is where I would end up spending many hours with my two cousins, Chris and Jamie.

When they got to be about 14... me about 8... they figured out sex was something they wanted to experience. I almost think I'm about to gloss over this part, which is what these last two points were supposed to be about, but they'd... we'd... get into one of their beds, and get almost naked.. underwear stayed on... and they'd pretend to have sex with me and each other.

There.. I said it.

It wasn't gay. It was two adolescents trying to explore their bodies and act like they would if they were with a woman.

Why was I there? I guess I haven't thought about it a lot... it's definitely a chapter in my life.. but not sure why. I remember once having my cousin L- burst in and saying she was going to tell my Aunt M-. I remember them telling me I couldn't tell anyone.

I remember once asking Chris to "play sex" with me again.

I remember too asking to kiss. They wouldn't do that. I wanted to so badly... I just wanted to kiss someone in an adult way... the sex was kind of not an issue with me... the "sex." But I didn't see it as sex until there was kissing.. and I really wanted to kiss... I wanted to kiss them... again.. this is weird typing, because it was my cousins, but it wasn't an incest thing.. it wasn't abuse... I liked being with them. I am pretty sure I wouldn't have cared it was a man or a woman... it was the kissing though I wanted.

Looking back at it now (and I swear, I don't usually dwell on this, and frankly, with everyone on facebook asking for the link to this blog since I made it my status update, THIS is the post that will keep me from giving it to them) it was kind of like that lunch monitor in 2nd grade. I can't say I knew what was happening, but a part of this has stayed with me ever since.

I LOVE KISSING... I LOVE KISSING ANYONE... WITH TONGUE.

My boyfriend hates it.. and won't actually kiss me passionately anymore. 7 years I'll rack it up to.... and he says that it had something to do with him having 2 older by at least 10 years brothers who would punch and stick things in his face all the time and he just gets claustrophobic... but sadly I think he doesn't know what he's missing. It's an incredibly intimate act... to 1) be that close to a person, to smell him... to feel the heat from his face... the breath of a man... to feel... while kissing... someone smile... not to see it... to just know it's happening. A gentle kiss... a strong kiss.... to open your eyes and look into the person's in front of you... how one can't want that every moment of every day... I'm not really sure. I wanted it when I was 8. I want it now.

I've kissed a lot of people.. men and women... I love it.

Do I think that the whole thing with my two older cousins was a bit awkward and bizzare?... yeah... a bit. I totally understand it. I don't think it's really an abnormal thing. I'm pretty sure if you asked either of them about it they'd deny it completely and would probably not remember any of it anyway. I remember it though. I wonder if we actually were all younger than I just wrote. It's a memory I can't say was ever documented. But it made an impression.


OK.. so this is where I stop for tonight at least. What can you expect from other posts? I will probably get into my high school theater conquests.. because.. really... I was SO good. :) HA. There was a high school attraction or two... an INCREDIBLY beautiful man I worked with as a camp counselor... oh that will be a post unto itself. My girlfriends will be a post.. or 4... and what I blame on my gayness.... my dad is totally to blame AND NO IT IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO THIS CURRENT POST! EW! GROSS!

EW.. really... EW! My first penis will be a post. My first date. My "kid in the candy store phase." My outing (both of them) while I was principal of a 5-8th grade all boys catholic school principal... YEAH.. there it is.. that will keep you reading right there.

If there's one thing I've learned... give em something to come back to.

Thanks for reading... oz... since you're the only one I've given this link to. :)




I KIND OF WANT TO END POSTS WITH INTERESTING OTHER THINGS I'VE COME ACROSS TODAY or this week.. or whatever.

What I'm listening to right now (usually always on either NPR or XM Radio On Broadway)
THE HORRIBLESSSS SONG EVER "I Think I've Got You Beat" from Shrek the Musical... UGH.. I hate this show.. I hate this soundtrack.. they burp in it.. GROSS.. and just why remake another movie into a musical??? really??? AND it has SO MANY Tony Nominations... don't get me started or we'll be here for another foot of type

I also follow alot of other fun gay blogs... what's one link I thought was a good one today....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjdyjL0dbG8


Have a good night. Perhaps I'll be back later to tell... the rest of the story.

Athur in the Afternoon

So I took a few days to decide what to write about on here... I mean, I could speak of my life growing up... about my love of show tunes.... about my dog.... my job.... but decided to write about my hidden life... my desires and my kinks.... I guess, this is an anonymous blog, right, so I can write about anything and no one will know it's by me..... right?

SO... here's the deal... I'm gay... I'm 31... I've been in a relationship for almost 7 years (June 23rd is the anniversary, although he doesn't think that's correct). I dated women for a long time. I liked dating women... but there was just something about a guy that fascinated me... something about getting naked with one... feeling one near me.

So I think I'll start from the beginning and add a chronological order of my gay life up until now... and hopefully (I know it's not a word but I'm using it anyway) by the time I get to the present I will have a lot of thoughts about the future.

(With that said, I was going to write about the need for a NSA affair, which is why I titled this post as I did... I'm going to keep the title, but I guess I should call it something else, like... "When Your Cousins Practice Sex On You.") YEAH! That will keep you reading.

SO... did I always know I was gay? I can't say I KNEW what gay was, but I swear I had a crush on my second grade lunch monitor.. he was a hot guy... at least, the way I remember him. I think he had a mullet.. but he had MUSCLES like you wouldn't believe.. we used to swing on his arms. I think he was a bus driver at times too... but he was the guy at lunch I got excited to see every time I saw him... he had a chest on him.. and muscles. Muscles.

You'd think that with my desire to see and touch muscles I'd be bigger than I am... I'm not weak... actually at 6'5" my frame is pretty damn good, and I'm not FAT, but just not hard.. in shape... fit.

Second grade.. that's my first memory of being attracted to a guy. The lunch monitor also had a cologne that I remember to this day... I have NO idea what it was, although I hope to find it some day... I have pretty much figured out that it was probably "High Karate" or something else that has since become a punchline.... but still... I love it. I loved him.

That was the first memory, and then honestly, I don't have another memory of being attracted to a man until I was 17 or 18. That's not to say I didn't look at porn and enjoyed seeing the guys more than the girls, but that was the first time I wanted to be enveloped by a man.

In third grade, I discovered the theater.. musical theater. I KNOW.. now THIS is where my gayatude should have begun, but I am almost positive that this did not "make me gay" and I think actually I was a pretty straight boy for being in at least 3 shows a year with the local community theater. Jill K- was the director... she was an amazingly JAPish woman... probably no more than 5' tall... fake tan... nails... but she managed to direct up to 40 kids 3rd grade and up in shows all the time. If she didn't have an actual script, which was rarely ever, she'd type out the entire thing... she'd plagiarize music and I guarantee you for those first few years at least, royalties were not paid.

The interesting thing about this community theater was that everyone did it... if you were cool, you were in a show. Josh S- and Brian B-, Andrew S- and Michael B- were all in these shows, singing and dancing and reciting lines and it was just what you did. I grew up in a suburb of Cleveland, Ohio... it was 95% Jewish.... they actually had a temple on every corner of the city, and they eventually turned the only church into an art museum.. which eventually got torn down for a bigger police/fire/community building. My family was one of the 5% of "gentiles." We'd put Christmas lights up in the front yard every year just because we could. It was a good town. No complaints. They tore down the houses across the street from us and put up a mall.. then a bigger mall.. then our 2 lane street became a 4 lane highway... but it was a good place to grow up... a good place to be a kid.. who liked theater.

Just for the record, there definitely were gay kids doing the theater (back to the gay theme here) but of course, they were kids.. they... WE... weren't gay.. just... well.. as my mother would say... "affected."

Let's see, where was I... oh yeah... the title of this peice... well.. the OTHER title....

So in my family there was me and a younger brother. My mom's family was at the very least an hour drive away and I never knew them very well...

(OK... quick aside here... so I'm doing more than just writing this.... I'm checking in on Facebook and Manhunt too... and this was the most recent MH.net discussion with a handsome guy in Lincoln, RI....

> --------------------------------------------------
> On Wed 27 May 2009 08:28 PM, o------- wrote:
>
> ahhh, it's the guy with the nice pillow cases.  i wasn't aware that you
> could get those at marshalls.  apparently, i need to shop there more
> often.
>  i'm doing well, thanks.  tired but well.  what's happening wit

> --------------------------------------------------

> On Wed 27 May 2009 08:41 PM, Pitts wrote:
>
> nothing.. another quiet night in.. i think i'm going to try to start
> blogging tongiht. HA

> --------------------------------------------------
> On Wed 27 May 2009 08:44 PM, o-------wrote:
>
> blogging about anything in particular or just about random thoughts that
> occur to you?
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Wed 27 May 2009 08:50 PM, Pitts wrote:
>
> well... I tried to start one over the weekend... wasn't sure what I was
> going to write about.. but have decided to write about my gayness... kind
> of
> lame, but figured I'd start at the beginning and just go.. see how far I
> got.

--------------------------------------------------
On Wed 27 May 2009 09:01 PM, o-------wrote:

> oh...you're gay? huh, that changes everything. if I'm attracted to to
your
> winning smile, does that make me gay too? i'm not sure what to make of
this.
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Wed 27 May 2009 08:50 PM, Pitts wrote:
>
>yep.. that's me.. big old gay gay president of gay town.
>:)
>
>just to let you in on a secret.. probably everyone you'll be chatting with
>on here is gay.
>
>shhhh.. don't tell some of them.. they don't know it yet.
>
>:)


OK.. so that was the conversation... and I'm going to make a few points about what I just did and then I'm going
to pause... because that just became a LOT more work that I expect.

1) YES.. I'm on Manhunt.. which actually DOES go back to the orginal title of this peice.
2) for those of you that don't have manhunt... the posts start mounting on top of on another, not down as it is
above.. so I had to just cut and paste a lot... and I figured I should change the guy's name I was chatting to
as to not give him a bunch of publicity.. although he's a handsome guy with a nice body.
3) when I cut and pasted, this blog's justifications got all screwed up, so I'm going to start a new post just
so that it's not so much work.. I love the original font, which I liked, and now I have to hit enter to go to a new
line... like that... and I don't see the point in doing too much work. ALSO, I think this is a WICKED long post..
so I'll make the next one shorter.
4) I think this is going to be fun... I'll be back later to continue my story.

My First Post

OK, so I've always thought of doing this... just posting my thoughts and comments and just seeing what comes of it... I can't imagine anyone will ever read this or care, although it would be interesting if it did happen. Anyway... if any of you ARE reading this.. welcome.. this is my life.

-Pitts