I Wish I Could Go Back To College

So now, as I move along in the "touching coming of age tale" that is my life, I'm 18, and I'm on my way to college. As I was looking at colleges, I had no idea where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do... so after a week sailing trip out of Newport (never thinking I'd end up living here one day) my parents came and met me for a bit and then my Mom and I drove from Newport BACK to Cleveland, hitting every school between here and there... 20 schools in 5 days... and what I realized as we drove up to some, is that what REALLY mattered to me was how the school looked.. first and foremost.

Driving up to Tufts, I told my mom to just keep driving. Driving into Williams, I was smitten.

I look back at the previous posts here and see a lot of what I was writing about coming full circle here... I'll tell you why.

I had worked for the summer camp now for over 6 years, and during that time my major cohort was a guy named Mark... he was a senior when I was a freshman, but we pretty much were always teamed up together, except for when I was with Todd... oh Todd.

Anyway, Mark went to BC and so after the initial college trip I narrowed it down and went and visited him. It's funny... how ever many thousands of people in the city and I knew 4 and I expected to walk by them on the street. I had a great time on that visit though, and applied and eventually (long story about how I think they put my application on the wrong pile) I got in and accepted.

I liked BC not only because it was beautiful, and it was Boston, and I actually new someone there... but the whole church thing came into play too... going away to college is a bit unsettling, and I was going to be pretty far from home (of course, that never stopped my parents from seeing me at least once a month). BC was comforting because of the church there... it's a familiar place, a place that no matter what else is going on, was always going to be there in case I needed to take a moment and just relax, to get centered. I still wasn't a weekly church goer... and I never became one, but it was nice to know it was there. I had been so far removed from it since catholic school... and I didn't get confirmed in highschool because the day I showed up to get confirmed, the CCD teacher looked at me and said, "oh no, you have to put in many months... come back next year." Well, I didn't, because I really didn't care. But BC it was, and I was off.

The summer before college Mark invited me to Chautauqua, NY, where we met halfway with some friends of his at BC... we had a blast... it was the first weekend I smoked Pot, of which they did a lot. It was also the first time I sang Karaoke... we drove to Niagra Falls and got INCREDIBLY drunk... a wax figure of Fankenstien was punched out... we spent far too long in a beer garden... I sang By By Miss American Pie.... NOT a good karaoke song because of the length. Needless to say, it was awesome, and I was thrilled to go to Boston since I now new even more people.

My first sememster was great, mainly because I had Mark as a best friend. I got into the acappella group there... so I made other friends.. and really, you can't NOT meet everyone your freshman year... but every weekend, we ended up at Mark's apartment smoking pot and drinking beer... he and his roommates actually had a few freshman connections, so it because the Cleveland Freshman Hang Out... but it was all cool. The night before the BC/ND football game on campus I did mushrooms with Mark... like at midnight... we started wandering the streets and ended up in teh graveyard where he was running around and I was trying to get to know all the tombstones... I wish I had it videotaped. Never done it since, but it was an experience.

Over Christmas break we drove back to Ohio and had a good 2 or 3 weeks off. On New Years even, Mark's friend (I can't remember her name at the moment... OH, Val) came in to visit and we ended up getting a bunch of Forties at BP and playing drinking games till very late. I fell asleep on a couch, drunk and happy. Mark and Val were asleep in his room. Well, I thought they were.

About 4 in the morning I awoke to find Mark sitting on the floor next to me, just hanging out. We started chatting about stuff... I was half asleep and still drunk... he had been on the phone with a friend of his who said she had just had a lesbian experience. He was fascinated (there's that word again) and asked if I'd ever thought about it. Well... I told him yes. I told him I lusted after our coworker Todd. He said he wanted to touch me. And he did. I was hard, and I reached down and he was hard. We looked at each other for a bit, and then he leaned down and took my dick in his mouth. I was stroking him and I was amazed he had such a large penis. It lasted probably no more than 10 minutes... it was just sucking... I was on the bottom of the pile, so I got all messy... and then he left and went back to bed.

And that was it.

We drove back to college... quieter than usual.

I hung out with him maybe every other week, or less.

He randomly tried to date my girlfriend, who lived in Cleveland... which got me pissed, and actually, over new years, he was engaged to someone.. that got called off... he started dating someone else... and got engaged to her. One time I was sleeping over on his couch and he and she took a shower together and made love very loudly. I just got the feeling he kept trying to prove he wasn't like me... he wasn't into guys.

Needless to say, my first taste of dick was a bad experience, and I spent the next three years ashamed and embarrassed, and thinking of Mark... but not dreaming of him coming back.. just wondering what could have been different.. what would have made it better. Like me walking out of fifth grade after being yelled at... what could have I have done to make it a better experience? What could I have done to kept my friend?

This blog's title is from Avenue Q .... I loved college... not sure I really want to go back and do it all over again.. but if I could... I wish I could take that moment back.... and the 3 years of thoughts that came after it that stopped me from trying again to make it a good thing to want to be with guys. I mentioned my GF freshman year... I had 4 significant girlfriends through college.... and I loved them and they were my best friends... but what would have happened.. where would I be now... had I just not had that night over New Years. I wonder.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvhHCZdxxE4&feature=related&pos=9